Kink and polyamory both have vocabulary specific to their scenes. Sometimes stopping to define words ruins the flow of a blog post, but I also recognize that not everyone knows their niche terms. When I use a niche word, I’ll link the word back to here.
Disclaimer: These are all my definitions. Others can and do define them differently, and that’s okay. These are just my current understandings of the words. Let me know in the comments if my definitions are missing something essential!
BDSM
Bondage & discipline, domination & submission, and sadism & masochism. Many things considered “kinky” fall into these categories in some way, though far from all. For example, a foot fetish is not inherently part of BDSM, but wearing handcuffs during sex likely does. BDSM can be practiced in monogamous or polyamorous relationships.
Compersion
The opposite of jealousy; the experience of joy for a partner’s romantic/sexual joy with someone else.
Honorific
A title given to the dominant partner in a BDSM relationship. Common honorifics include Sir/Ma’am, Master/Mistress, and Daddy/Mommy, though almost anything can be an honorific. Each dynamic will have its own negotiated agreement about what honorific(s) to use and when to use it. Dominants should not be referenced by an honorific unless someone is in a negotiated dynamic with them (although there are some specific sub-communities that do expect honorifics for people outside of formal dynamics, but this is consented to by virtue of intentionally seeking out and joining those sub-communities).
Joyfriend
A gender-neutral term for “boyfriend” or “girlfriend.”
Lifestyle, The
“The lifestyle” simply refers to people who are serious about BDSM and view it as more than kinky sex. This can include engagement with other likeminded people online and in local gatherings (though not always). Some people also use “the lifestyle” to refer to being regulars in the swinging community, so context matters.
Open relationship
A type of ethical non-monogamy where committed partners engage with other parties sexually. As opposed to cheating, open relationships value consent and clear communication. At its core, a relationship is “open” if there is the possibility of adding new partners and is “closed” if no new partners are being added. Traditional monogamous relationships default to being closed.
Polyamory
Literally “many loves,” polyamory refers to having multiple romantic partners. These partnerships can be structured in almost infinite variety. Polyamorous relationships can be open (accepting new partners) or closed (not accepting new partners). Kink/BDSM is not a requirement of bine poly: Polyamorous relationships range from 100% vanilla to total power exchange BDSM arrangements.
Spanko
A term some kinky people use to indicate that their primary kink is spanking or being spanked. This does not necessarily have to be in the context of a power exchange dynamic; many spankos are purely top/bottoms.
Subspace
A term that refers to a special floaty headspace submissives (and bottoms) can experience during intense scenes. Subspace is frequently described as a blissful state where only the sub and the Dom exist. While some subs chase subspace, most caution that it tends to either happen or not happen, resisting being forced. Subspace is not universally enjoyed, though, and shares some similarities to dissociating.
Vanilla
Not kinky. This is not a derogatory term, and being vanilla is not a bad thing.