I talk a lot more about rules over here, but this is a brief description of why I have a rules page and the various polyamorous and BDSM relationships rules I have.
Every relationship has rules, including “vanilla” ones; we just don’t usually explicitly acknowledge the rules of vanilla relationships. Vanilla rules typically include things like, “don’t cheat,” “talk about big purchases,” or even “don’t go to bed angry.” These rules tend to differ a little from relationship to relationship, though few of them are ever directly discussed in (too?) many vanilla relationships.
BDSM and poly relationships have rules, too, but the biggest difference is that the rules are openly discussed from the very beginning and may be renegotiated as time goes on.
These are the rules in my various relationships.
Poly Rules
When my husband Regulus and I first opened our marriage and acknowledged that we are both polyamorous, we set some rules:
- We are each other’s nesting partner
- Don’t get yourself (or anyone else) pregnant
- Practice safer sex and get STI testing every 3 months
- Tell each other about partners
- Be up front with other partners about being married
- We cannot veto each other’s partners, but we can express concern
My boyfriend Helios and I have our own set of rules:
- Helios’ wife is his primary partner
- The wife had to meet me and approve before we could officially date
- No “play” in front of the wife
- We can see other people as long as we talk to each other about it
My joyfriend Astra and I have yet another set of rules:
- Astra’s kid comes first
- Don’t call each other by another partner’s pet name
- We don’t own each other
These rules may evolve over time depending on the needs of the relationships.
BDSM Rules
Helios and I are also in a Dominant/submissive relationship. Like any D/s relationship, there are rules. We have fewer rules than some D/s dynamics because we do not engage in high protocol, but there are definitely some rules.
- Consent will be respected at all times. Consent can be pre-negotiated for a scene, but it must still be obtained. Scenes where “stop” and “no” may not actually mean “stop” or “no” require the use of a safe word/signal.
- Outside of “the bedroom,” we are boyfriend/girlfriend; in “the bedroom,” we are Dom/sub. For us, this means that the authority exchange covers things we consider sexual or sexual-adjacent, but does not cover things like my job or where I go.
- I am to refer to him as “Sir” when acknowledging commands or making requests
- My ass is for only him and toys, no one else
- If he says, “go to the room,” I am to go to the specific bedroom in his house where we play, strip my clothes off, and wait for him
- He may choose play partners for me
April 2025 Addition:
- I
must ask for permission to cum
This is an example of a rule being tried out and then adjusted based on how well it did or didn’t work. Helios is primarily a pleasure Dom who enjoys going down and staying down until he is done (regardless of how many, many times I have crossed the finish line), and I am terrible at asking for permission once my brain gets to a certain level of fried. He quickly found he did not like having to interrupt what he was doing in that moment to give or deny permission. Will we loop back around to orgasm control in the future? Possibly. But it would have to be implemented differently for it to work for either one of us.
July 2025 Addition:
- I must drink three liters of water each day
September 2025 Addition:
- I can bottom to other tops for exploring kinks Helios does not share. Helios must approve of the top and must be present for at least the first session.
This rule list may grow over time as our relationship grows, though it could remain substantially unchanged.