My Past Rebellion Against Rules

Before I ever know what BDSM rules were, I learned to fear rules in relationships.

Being raised with feminist ideals but in a high-control religion, I was explicitly taught not to allow people to control me while simultaneously being controlled by the very religion that was supposed to set me free. I was taught to question authority, but not that authority. And even more confusingly, I was taught not to let a man have power over me but that wives must submit to their husbands.

This dichotomy between the explicit and implicit lessons being lived out before me led me to a place where I determined that rules in a relationship must be a form of authoritarian control.

In fact, the very idea of having rules in a relationship would have sent me running for the hills a decade ago. At the best? I would have said that any man trying to set rules for a relationship was controlling and didn’t respect his partner. At the worst, I would have said he was emotionally abusive.

There was no way I would ever let a man tell me what I could and could not do.

Authority Issues and Control

My upbringing was the perfect breeding ground for authority issues. Raised on Bible stories of heroes refusing to bow to anyone but God, of the innate equality of all humanity, and of the praiseworthiness of questioning claims, I was perfectly set up to see myself as the arbiter of rule compliance.

Add in a healthy dose of undiagnosed pathological demand avoidance autism and you get someone who hates being told what to do – so much so that I described myself as having authority issues. I regularly had to refrain from yelling things like, “what makes you think you can tell me what to do” at people (many of whom actually could tell me what to do…).

This problem got so bad that I couldn’t use push notifications for simple things like remembering to drink water: The notification would ding and I would immediately tell the notification to stop telling me what to do – never mind the fact that I set the notifications in the first place!

I was going to be the highest human authority in my life and would follow no arbitrary rules.

The (non-BDSM) Rules We Already Follow

Which is, of course, absolute bullshit.

We all submit to authority outside of ourselves every day when we stop at red lights and pay for our groceries or dress inside a dress code at work. To function in society is to submit to the authority of the society as a whole, at least to some degree.

Society has rules, and we all (largely) follow them.

These rules can be explicit in the form of laws, but others fail to even be flagged as rules in the first place because they’re implicit. They’re unspoken and just “how it is.”

Along with a lot of people, I never even questioned society’s rules about relationships because they’re implicit and we seem to unconsciously follow them.

“Everyone” just understands that things like lying to your partner, sleeping with someone else, or ruining your finances are all considered betrayals. The very fact that someone can be betrayed by these things means it’s violating a rule – even if no one explicitly said “the rule of this relationship is that we can’t cheat on one another.”

It never would have occurred to me that agreeing with your partner that you should talk to each other about purchases over a certain amount constitutes a rule.

“That’s just how you have a good relationship,” I would have said.

But it is a rule; it’s just an implicit one.

I thought only explicit rules counted as rules, so my mind was blown when it finally clicked that all relationships have rules. All of them.

Why BDSM Rules Hit Differently

If all relationships have rules, then why shouldn’t some relationships have different rules? Rules that work specifically for them?

The examples I had of explicit relationship rules hadn’t been great. Explicit rules were almost always weapons of control, wielded from a place of patriarchy. Rules, I believed, always made a woman’s* life worse.

But my new understanding of rules meant that I needed to think about this more carefully. Rules, I now believed, were not inherently bad by virtue of existence; instead, rules are good or bad based on how they’re used. Is that relationship rule something being imposed upon someone, or is it something they chose for themselves? Did a husband force his wife to follow that rule, or did they make the rule together with informed consent?

That choice to consent is everything.

BDSM starts from an assumption that nothing is allowed that has not been consented to – and that includes rules. Implicit rules are extremely frowned upon because you cannot say with 100% certainty that someone consented to follow that rule. Rules are explicit and established collaboratively.

If someone imposed a rule on their partner that they must ask for permission to use the restroom, everyone would (rightly!) call that abusive. But when two people have discussed the rule, its implications, its exceptions, its consequences, and both people agreed that’s a good rule for their relationship? While it isn’t my cup of tea, that can hardly be called abuse.

Rules in BDSM are about authority and control in the sense that they are part of a power exchange, but they are not wielded for the other’s destruction.

Fences, Note Cages: How BDSM Rules Create Safety and Freedom

In fact, far from destruction, relationship rules create a foundation for flourishing. They give the relationship boundaries, edges.

Helios and I have rules. How do I handle having BDSM rules when I for so long described myself as having authority issues? First, because I consented to them. But there is more to it than that. The rules with Helios are him saying, “Here is what I expect because I care about you,” not him saying, “Here is what you must do because I said so.”

It’s hard to be upset about rules that so clearly show his care and concern for me. The rules help remind me to take care of myself and to actualize the life I want.

I could never resent that.

What I never expected to find about BDSM rules, though, is that it is not burdensome to follow them. These rules feel natural to me, and following them typically comes as easily as breathing. I have no desire to brat against the rules or try to find loopholes in them. They simply exist as fences around the relationship.

Far from being restricted and caged in, I have this huge playground to run around in and do whatever I want in. The fences let me know where the boundaries are, and I know that inside of them I am safe.

Sometimes the rules keep me safe by keeping me healthy. Over the summer, Helios worried I wasn’t drinking enough water. Which, to be fair, is true because I pretty much never drink enough water. He added a rule that I have to drink three liters of water every day. I have rarely made that goal because that is a ton of water, but I do drink significantly more water than I did before the rule.

Instead of punishing me for failing, he praises me for drinking the water I did drink. He lets the rule stand as more of an aspiration, a reminder that I am to take care of myself.

Other times the rules keep me safe by monitoring my physical safety. I’ve always been free to have sex with whomsoever I choose or to date other people (remember, we’re poly as well as kinky). However, there is a difference between having sex with someone at a sex club and having a scene with a top. It would be entirely reasonable for some dominants to decide that’s encroaching too close to their territory and not want their submissive bottoming like that.

But the reality is that people have different kinks from each other. Helios and I have overlapping kinks in a lot of areas, which works out nicely. Is it a full 100% overlap, though? Of course not. So when I approached Helios asking how he would feel about me bottoming to other tops to engage in kinks he’s not really into, he understood. His first concern is that the pickup play happen in as safe of a way as possible.

His agreement came with a fence around it to help keep me safe.

When Rules Don’t Fit: The Orgasm Control Lesson

Unlike fences, cages restrain and restrict.

We wanted to start exploring orgasm control, so Helios added a rule that I was not allowed to orgasm without direct permission. I am into edging and that kind of play, so I readily agreed to this rule. This was going to be fun.

But it wasn’t.

I discovered that I am simply terrible at recognizing when I need to cum and then asking for permission. I wasn’t intentionally breaking the rule, but I was breaking it nevertheless.

When I did manage to ask, Helios discovered that he really, really didn’t like having to interrupt his “flow state” while playing or during a scene in order to deny or give permission.

This rule that was meant to enhance both of our pleasure was acting as a cage, actively restricting that pleasure.

So we did the only rational thing: We renegotiated the rule.

Remember, rules that aren’t working for everyone are acting as cages, not fences, and caged people aren’t thriving.

The result of renegotiation could be anything from a shift in understanding, an adjustment in the rule, or a complete abolition of the rule. The specifics will vary in every relationship and every negotiation, but the core thing is that the rules can be discussed.

These rules affect people’s actual, real, day-to-day lives, so it’s absolutely vital that the rules foster flourishing inside the fence.

Blooming in the Fence I Chose

Even though past versions of me would be shocked at my arrangement, I am happy following Helios’ rules. I feel his care every time I take a drink of water, every time he chooses a partner for me. I am thriving – exploring and growing in ways I never thought I could while submitting to a man’s authority.

I don’t know what rules the future holds for me and Helios, but I do know that I can trust he’ll use them to strengthen the fences protecting me.

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*I’m using heteronormative language and “traditional” gender assumptions for simplicity’s sake. Women regularly abuse men, and same-gender partners can also be abusers. No abuse is acceptable, regardless of the genders involved.