Content Warning

This post discusses themes of sexual assault, which may be difficult or triggering for some readers. Please prioritize your well-being. If you or someone you know has been affected by sexual violence, confidential support is available 24/7 at 1-800-656-HOPE or online at https://hotline.rainn.org/online.  

The Myth of Magic Words

We live in a world with magic all around us, suffusing the stories we consume. As children, we hope we can fly to Neverland or receive a letter to Hogwarts, and as teens we wish for the ability to magic ourselves the answers to an unstudied-for test or that our crush would notice us. We know it’s not real, but still we dream. 

Some part of us hopes against all hope that if we can just find the right magic words, everything will be perfect. 

Some of those dreamers grew up kinky as hell. They found their way into the BDSM community and found their new magic words: “Safe words.”

While safe words can play an important role in kink, they’re no more magic than abracadabra. 

On Emperors and Clothes

One of my favorite tales is “The Emperor’s New Clothes.” In this tale, two scam artists convinces the emperor they can make him the most beautiful of clothes that will be invisible to anyone who is stupid or incompetent. They present the emperor with nothing, pretending to see beautiful clothes. 

Not wanting to appear stupid or incompetent, the emperor pretends he can see them. He walks around naked, asking people to admire his beautiful clothing. Everyone played along, also not wanting the charges of incompetence or stupidity. 

Eventually a child who doesn’t know what is going on blatantly points out that the emperor is naked. 

When people treat safe words as magic talismans against all kink evils, all I can think about is the emperor confidently strutting around naked, thinking himself covered. They’re wandering around a dangerous scene thinking their safe word has them covered.

A safe word is just a word.

And words are just patterns of vibrations moving through the air. Words cannot unfasten restraints, they cannot halt a falling flogger, and they cannot stop play when things have gone too far. 

Only people can do those things.

Safe words are a tool that can be used for exactly one purpose: Alerting a person that something is not right. 

That’s it.

No magic.

Just words.

On Deals with Devils

If safe words are just words and don’t protect you, how do you “do kink” safely? Through even more words, of course!

Kink safety starts well before someone could possibly need to use a safe word, because safety starts before the play does. It starts with negotiation, and the devil is in the details. 

Devils, however, are cunning when it comes to the fine print of deals. Though Johnny famously bettered the devil, folk lore is riddled with cautionary tales of people making deals with devils or djinn. 

People strike their bargain, sometimes trying to outsmart the devil, and then go on their way believing themselves the recipient of such good fortune. As time passes, though, the deal sours: Sometimes the consequence is minor, but frequently it is as dire as death. The lesson is clear in these stories: There is no safe deal with a devil. 

In kink, people try to come up with ways to out-smart the devil. They’ve made two philosophies about safety in kink, both of which use initialisms (ostensibly to make them easier to remember, but surely it’s to confuse new people). These initialisms are SSC and RACK, and usually people are fans of only one philosophy.

While SSC stands for “safe, sane, and consensual,” RACK stands for “risk-aware consensual kink.” Proponents of SSC claim that being aware of the risk isn’t enough because you should reduce the risk, too; meanwhile, proponents of RACK criticize that kink will never be 100% safe, so awareness of the risk is the best-case scenario.

Advocates of both philosophies swear up and down that the other is inferior. What they don’t want to admit? They are the exact same thing. 

Both philosophies are acknowledging the danger of kink, and both philosophies call on practitioners to reduce as much risk as possible. Both philosophies wholeheartedly value the consent of all parties and recognize that a lack of knowledge can make someone unable to consent to something. 

What both of these philosophies do well is help people understand that kinky play is full of risks. In a sense, all kinky play is a deal with a devil: You use risk assessment to eliminate as much of the pesky, tricky fine print as possible, but you know it could always go sideways at any point. 

Even negotiated contracts and risk assessment are just words.

On Voices and Mermaids

Ursula the sea witch offers Ariel a deal she couldn’t refuse: Legs, the thing she has craved for so long, in exchange for just her voice. When Ariel agrees and signs away her voice, she finds herself on land with legs but no words. She is excited about the goings on, but regularly frustrated by her hindered communication. Things go sideways as she watches her love slipping away from her (partially) because she cannot speak her name, her identity.

Safe words can only be used by someone capable of speaking. And sometimes? Sometimes a person can go into a scene in fully possession of their voice only to have it stolen during the scene. Subspace, PTSD, autism, ADHD, gags, oral sex partners, or any number of other things can all render someone incapable of speech. 

How is that person to revoke consent if they are relying exclusively on the magic of a safe word? They can’t.

Viewing safe words as the only necessary tool for scene safety is setting oneself up for disaster and possible consent violations. 

Ursula tells Ariel, “And don’t underestimate the importance of body language!”† She may have used this statement as part of her plot to steal Ariel’s voice, but there is truth to the statement. Urban legend claims that only 10% of what is communicated comes from the words themselves. The rest? Tone and body language. 

When we do not have access to our words, we do still have our bodies. With this in mind, many people have started using “safe gestures,” a physical signal that functions identically to a safe word. 

People will frequently hold a highly visible object; if that object falls or is intentionally dropped, play stops immediately. 

Additionally, people frequently establish specific hand or foot taps for a very short list of established meanings, like one tap for “everything is good” and two taps for “stop.”

But just as safe words are just words, tapping someone on the arm does not magically stop consent violations. 

On Scorpions and Character

One day a scorpion came across a river it couldn’t cross on it’s own. Seeing a frog nearby, the scorpion asks, “Will you give me a ride?” 

The frog looked at the scorpion and answered, “How do I know you won’t sting me?”

The scorpion responds, “Because I need to get across and it’s in our mutual benefit for me not to sting you.” 

Taking him at his word, the frog gives the scorpion a ride. Part way across the river, the scorpion stings the frog. As the venom courses through the frog, he asks, “why????”

The scorpion, also drowning, answered, “Couldn’t help it, it’s my nature.”

The scorpion may have said all the right words, but they went no deeper than his mouth: His very nature was not to have been trusted by the frog. 

Unfortunately, there are a lot of scorpions in the kink world. Some of them have malicious intent, but others are merely ignorant or over-confident. Regardless of the reason, though, the danger remains. 

A potential play partner saying, “Oh yeah I’ve done this before,” or, “of course I won’t go to far,” or even, “I would never force someone” doesn’t actually mean anything. They’re still just words. If you hear just those assurances and immediately agree to play with someone, you have no way of knowing if there is anything to substantiate those words. 

The scorpion’s character could have told the frog not to trust his words. 

This is why vetting partners is so important. Who are their friends? How long have they been established in the local community? Do others seem to respect them? Are others eager to play with them again? Do they appear overly eager to jump directly into the deep end? Do they act as if they are entitled to whatever they want? Do they have a reputation for playing safely? Have you seen them play safely with others? Are they banned from any local venues? How do they treat people like wait staff (if you can observe this)?

These and a hundred other observations give you a picture of the person’s character. 

Only evidence-based trust in a person’s good character can provide any kind of safety in the world of kink. They don’t ignore your safe word because that would be out of character. They respect your consent because that is in their character. 

Character provides safety.

On Names and Tools

Safe words aren’t magic, but you should use them anyway.

Rumpelstiltskin promised the woman that he would solve her problem if she but guessed his name. Time passed and she guessed name after name, to no avail. The deadline for her problem approached, and she was no closer to guessing the name. She happened to overhear Rumpelstiltskin saying his own name, though, and was then able to “guess” his name. 

Rumpelstiltskin solved her problem not because his name itself was magic but because his character was to uphold his word.  

When done right, safe words can make communicating during a scene easier. Sometimes  you may not have the ability to say, “excuse me, Sir, but my bottom is quite sore now. Can we switch to a different toy?” between impact blows. But you probably can blurt out “yellow” to get your top’s attention so you can then say the full problem. 

Other times, you need things to stop now and you can explain why or what went wrong afterwards. A simple safe word like “red” can help you get the scene stopped immediately.

The best safe words should be something simple that you can remember during a scene when you’re high on emotions and sensations. Safe words like “Kalamazoo” or something crazy might be funny to talk about, but when you’re panicking because you didn’t think you’d react like that and you’re high on sex, can you remember it? Probably not. 

The absolute best safe word is simply “stop.” After all, that’s the word you normally use when you want something to, well, stop. In the vast majority of scenes and scenarios, “stop” should be all you need to say.

The only time your safe word needs to be something other than “stop” is when it comes to consensual non-consent (CNC) play. First, I want to remind you that the first word in that term is “consent”: Even if you are doing a rape fantasy scene, the scene itself needs to be consensual. 

Not everyone is into CNC, and that is completely fine. But if you are interested in doing any type of scene where you might want your partner to ignore you saying “no, stop,” then you have to have an agreed-upon word you can use to stop the scene. If you tell your partner, “keep going when I say stop,” then you also need to tell them “stop when I say red” or whatever word you choose. 

CNC scenes are highly emotional and have the potential to be incredibly dangerous. You need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that your partner’s character means they will stay within your negotiated bounds for the scene and that they will stop if you safe word. 

If you’re not willing to bet your very life on their character, do not do a CNC scene with them. 

Beyond the Myths

A safe word is not a talisman; it’s a tool. It is only a problematic tool when someone thinks it is the only tool they need and that it will prevent all harm. Someone would put themselves in significant danger if they tried to build a house using only a knife; so, too, you run significant risk if a safe word is the only tool you bring to the dungeon. 

Educate yourself about the kink you’re wanting to try. Learn all you can about it so you can give informed, sane, risk-aware consent. 

Ursula knew that Ariel’s voice was the most powerful thing she had to give. Use your voice to advocate for yourself, set boundaries, arrange safe-gestures, and to vet your partner. And yes, use your voice to use your safe word. 

Safe words aren’t magic, but they can help keep your scene magical.

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† Clements, Ron, dir. The Little Mermaid. Walt Disney Pictures, 1989. 83 minutes.