Being submissive doesn’t mean I’m everyone’s submissive. In fact, I’ve spent more time being assertive and advocating for myself while looking for a Dominant than meekly submitting. The process of finding a Dom isn’t as simple as putting “kink friendly” on your Tinder profile – I’ve heard of people searching for a compatible Dom for years and years. 

If that surprises you, you’re not alone! I think part of me hoped for some fairy tale, eyes meeting and knees wanting to kneel on their own kind of magic (and yes, it feels ridiculous to admit that now). Reality disabused me of that with alacrity. 

What I quickly found is that there are a lot of men* who want to be Doms and think they’re entitled to far more than they are simply because they apply a title to themselves. Here’s what actually helped me find the right Dom, and how you can protect yourself and grow while you search. 

I started my search for a Dom on Tinder and other dating apps. I got lots of matches, guys very interested in a submissive partner. I was absolutely thrilled! Until I realized that these guys were either assholes, posers, idiots, or some combination of all three. Even with my limited (non-existent?) kink community experience, fake is easy to spot. Some of these guys were genuinely interested in topping, but didn’t know the first thing about authority control. Most of them viewed me as a fetish dispenser, a set of holes ready to do all the kinky shit they’ve fantasized about watching porn. 

Ironically, I met Sage while trying to find a Dom. Sage was also looking for a Domme, but we liked each other and decided to date. I made a shocking discovery early in our relationship: Sage’s submission was so great and so deeply ingrained in her that it began to draw out a dominant side of me I did not know was there. After much discussion, we decided to try out a D/s relationship with me as the Domme. 

I was pretty bad at it and largely didn’t like it. 

My relationship with Sage, despite the role reversal, helped me become ready for my own Dom, though. It gave me a better appreciation for the D side of the slash and the labor that (good) D-types put into relationships. I also joined the online kink community FetLife at her urging, mainly utilizing the vast amounts of knowledge housed in the groups there. 

I liked Sage, but I was up front that I was poly and going to continue seeing my other people and looking for a Dom. I had hoped that I might meet someone at the munches she and I attended, but who are we kidding? I’m a socially awkward introvert: Meeting people in person is terrifying! I kept looking online, where I am in my comfort zone.

One of the first things people learn about FetLife is that it is not a dating site. It was intended for community and education, and over the years the developers have intentionally declined adding features that would make finding partners easier. However, it’s a site full of millions of self-admitted kinky people – of course people are going to want to try and find partners on Fet! 

At the same time, it’s a site full of millions of self-admitted kinky people – it’s also full of asshats, creeps, scammers, and straight up predators. 

Having a new profile on Fet while presenting as fem is like dunking yourself in fluorescent paint, carrying a bag with a million dollars in cash, and prancing around in front of people while screaming “come and get me.” The aforementioned asshats, creeps, scammers, and predators are going to absolutely pour out of the woodwork contacting you.  

All of this is simply by existing on Fet without any active action on your part. These people may have “Dom” after their username, but they are not choosing you, they’re choosing a target. They want someone they can control and manipulate, someone who is too naive to catch on, someone they can take advantage of (in many meanings of that word). 

Finding a Dom is not about being chosen by someone random; it’s about you choosing wisely. 

Using FetLife to Find a Dom

So how do you wade through the villains of Fet to find the Doms who are actually worth knowing? 

Start by ignoring and possibly blocking every man who cold contacts you. If you did not in some way invite that person to contact you, block them. You will do the initiating (eventually), but save yourself a lot of time by paying no attention to these people.

Next, you need to know what you are and are not looking for in a Dom. I believe these eight categories are areas where you need at least a loose understanding of what you need and want in a Dom. Not just anyone will do – this person is going to know you intimately and you are going to need to trust them literally with your life. This is the time to be picky, so spend as much time determining these answers or categories as you need.

• Relationship style: poly or monogamous? 
• Relationship commitment: bedroom only, only when together, 24/7, live-in?
• Gender and orientation
• Dom, Master, or other?
• Style of Dom
• Shared/Compatible key fetishes and hard limits
• Shared/Compatible vanilla interests
• Physical attributes (if relevant)

I didn’t have a literal list, but I knew what I was looking for:

• Relationship style: Poly or poly-friendly. I’m not leaving Regulus, after all.
• Relationship commitment: Non-live-in arrangement. I can’t do a true 24/7, TPE live-in arrangement because I am happy living with Regulus.
• Gender and orientation: I am personally only interested in submitting to men. Because I prefer sex to be mixed with my kink, their orientation needs to include attraction to fem-presenting non-binary people. 
• Dom/Master: Dom preferred over Master. Self-described “Masters” weren’t completely off the table, but I don’t identify as a slave.
• Style of Dom: Fairly open, though I knew that extremely high protocol wouldn’t be a good match. I was thinking I would probably find good compatibility in the soft, daddy, or pleasure Dom areas, but I didn’t want to limit myself. 
• Fetishes and hard limits: I’m not going to list all my fetishes here, but that’s not actually the point. The point of this step is not to make sure your fetish list is a 100% match. Rather, you need key fetish compatibility. For example, a Dom who’s big thing is toilet play is a hard no for me; we are not compatible because their fetish is my hard limit. 
• Vanilla interests: Again, this one doesn’t have to be a 100% match; that would actually be pretty weird. But it needs to be compatible. Most of my interests are inside things, though I enjoy the outdoors occasionally. Someone whose primary hobby is hiking is going to be difficult to connect with.
• Physical attributes: I didn’t have a lot here because I’m not crazy picky about looks. He lost points for looking like a douchebag and gained points for having facial hair, but that was about all that was in this category for me. I did add here that he needed to be okay with bigger bodies; bonus points if he was in any bbw groups.

Now that you know what you’re looking for, it’s time to actually start looking. 

The best place to look is in local groups, not just shared interest groups.  The size of your metro area will play a huge role in how many local groups are available to you, but most areas have at least one semi-local group even in rural areas. If you live in Chicago, for example, search for Chicago groups and start joining. Try to avoid groups that seem fully aimed at personals, though you might come back to those later. You’re mainly looking for interests, like “Chicago Doms & Subs” or “Chicago BBWs and the Men who Love Them.”** 

Once you have found some groups you like, start looking through the recent posts and responses. Look for people who say interesting things that are in alignment with what you know of good kink practice. When you find someone cool, click on their profile and read it carefully with your list in mind. As soon as you hit something that makes them incompatible, go back to your group and keep looking. You can also look through member lists if the discussion route isn’t yielding anyone. 

In addition to your list, there are some red and green flags to look out for as you read profiles.

Profile Red Flags

Some of these red flags apply to dating sites in addition to FetLife!

• Their profile picture is a dick pic. Ew. This indicates they’re probably just here to fuck and aren’t ready for serious relationships.
• They are very young and chose the title of Master. This is probably more of a yellow flag than red, but it could indicate that they are arrogant or full of themselves.
• Their profile is new. This could just mean they’re new to Fet. It probably means they’re either a bot, scammer, or rule violator, though. Check the rest of their profile and their activity and listen to your gut.
• Their profile is empty. You can’t know if they’re compatible if the profile is empty. Furthermore, it makes me (personally) question whether they will lead a relationship well if they can’t be bothered to fill out a profile.
• They’re married and do not reference being in an open or poly relationship. Engaging with cheaters is violating their spouse’s consent; don’t do that.
• They are 30+ and members of groups focused on very young women. Ew. 
• They’re members of groups aimed at helping cheaters cheat.
• Their pics are of behavior that gives you pause for any reason.
• Their activity feed is full of them liking pics and following new women. It’s not that liking pics or following people is inherently wrong. But if that is the extent of their activity feed and it doesn’t also have events or group activity peppered in, it tells me they’re not a fully rounded out person. 
• Their profile is an ad for their OnlyFans or other content site. This isn’t a bad thing, it just means they’re probably not interested in finding a relationship.
• They specifically state they are not looking for new relationships/a sub. This isn’t a bad thing, it just means they’re not the right person for you.

Green Flags

Now that you know signs of profiles you should avoid, let’s look at signs that you might have a winner on your hands.

• They’ve thoroughly filled out their profile
• They show their face in their photos
• They engage in group discussions
• They attend local events. Minus points for mainly attending gangbangs; bonus points for attending educational events
• They’re members of multiple groups with interests that overlap with yours
• They’ve been on Fet for multiple years, and the more the better
• They specifically state they are looking for new relationships/a sub. This doesn’t mean they’re looking for you, but it’s a good sign.

You’re going to open and then immediately close a lot, and I do mean a lot of profiles. Most people are not going to be a good match for you, even if their username says “Dom” after it. Remember: You’re literally plucking people up at random and hoping to find a match. This is why we limited to local groups and tried to pick interest-based groups: We’ve already weeded out the Doms who live in other countries or can’t stand the interest you picked. 

This means you are not going to sit down and find the perfect Dom on Fet within five minutes. Some people say they have searched on Fet for years looking for the right Dom (though I personally wonder what their search methods are). But this exact method is how I found both Helios and Siren, so stick with it. 

So now you have found a profile that meets all of your items of what you’re looking for and doesn’t have any red flags. It’s still not time to message them. 

Now you follow them. This sends them a notification and allows them a chance to look at your profile and see if they find you interesting. Most people are not going to follow you back, and that’s okay. When someone does follow you back, though, that is when you finally get to message them. 

Your opening DM should thank them for following you back. Reference something specific from their profile so they know you read it, and then ask them a question. The aim is to get a conversation started. It does not have to be your initial message (though it can be), but early in the conversation mention that you are looking for a Dom and thought that you two might be a good match. Be careful with this wording to not sound scammy, though. Looking back at my message to Helios, I’m a little surprised he didn’t think I was a scammer, if I’m being completely honest. 

Hello, Helios

Helios and I chatted on FetLife for about one day getting to know each other. We hit it off pretty quickly and seemed to have more in common than I initially thought. We moved to Snapchat after that and kept talking for several more days, maybe a couple weeks.

Some people will tell you not to move conversation off of the platform where you initially meet someone. Unfortunately, FetLife’s messaging system is absolutely terrible. It’s almost necessary to move to a different messaging system, and fairly quickly after meeting someone. Don’t give people your real phone number right away, but do go somewhere you can easily block them should things get weird. I personally like Snapchat and Telegram, but there are several good options. Just don’t share things like your location through those apps!

After a couple of weeks of talking most days, we set up a coffee date. Before the date happened, though, I messaged Helios’ wife on FetLife to verify that she did, indeed, know this was happening and she was okay with it. As I said before, I don’t mess around with cheaters and I am determined not to be a “homewrecker.” I don’t care how incredible I thought Helios was: If his wife came back shocked at this information, I was fully prepared to drop him like the proverbial hot potato. 

Considering that we’re still together, I’m sure you have correctly gathered that she knew and was on board. 

Not only was this coffee date a first date in the vanilla sense, but I also had D/s vetting to do. I was looking to see both how he acted and how he didn’t act. When the day arrived at last, he was easy to find and carried himself with a quiet confidence (✅). He was immediately casually touchy inside of the limits we pre-negotiated (✅). He guided me to the register and offered suggestions about what was good there, but he allowed me to order whatever I wanted and let me pay for mine (✅). He was courteous to the barista and tipped (✅). He chose our seats and guided our conversation (✅). After talking for quite a while, we relocated because we both wanted to make out (✅).  

On the other hand, there are a lot of things Helios did not do. He did not tell me what to wear on our first date (✅). He did not try to enforce an honorific like “Sir” when we were not in a dynamic yet (✅). He did not try to scene with me or have sex on our first meeting (✅). And he did not dismiss any of my expressed boundaries (✅).

All of these things told me that Helios was a good and kind man capable of being dominant without being domineering. Our conversation revealed that we have even more in common than I imagined; in fact, we had so much in common that I was temporarily scared he had been stalking me (he wasn’t). 

We left our coffee date eager to see each other again. We kept talking and decided we wanted to focus on the relationship aspect before introducing D/s, which I now recognize as one of the largest green flags possible. We slowly started introducing kink into our sex, and eventually he asked me to be his girlfriend. Shortly after that we officially negotiated a power exchange and established a D/s dynamic. 

I kept vetting Helios the entire time leading up to officially establishing our D/s dynamic. What kind of people does he know and engage with in the local scene? Which venues does he prefer and why? Does he behave differently with me privately and at events? How does he handle feedback from our kinky play? Does he want me or does he want a submissive? 

The most important vetting question during this time, though, was whether Helios made me feel safe. Safety is obviously important in every relationship, but the activities we plan to include in our dynamic are actually pretty dangerous. It doesn’t happen very frequently, but people can die or be permanently disabled during scenes if one or both parties do not know what they are doing. I needed to know that this person I was contemplating giving power to would both care that I am safe and have the knowledge and skills necessary to ensure that safety. 

Helios was and is incredibly attentive to my safety. His acute attention to my body during play means that he recognizes me approaching my limits at the same time (or sometimes before) I do. The only time I have used my safe word, he immediately respected it and stopped. He make sure I do not get “trapped” by weirdos at events, and he points out people in the scene known to be unsafe to play with. And there are a million other tiny things he does all the time that make me certain that I am 100% safe with him. 

I know this man to whom I have entrusted authority over my body and sexuality will never wield that authority for my harm.

Go Forth and Submit – On Your Terms

My hope is that my experience can help you find the Dom of your dreams! Remember, you may not find your Helios as quickly as I did, but that does not mean you should settle for the fuckbois who are going to try and snap you up. 

You’re going to want to submit so badly that you’re going to be tempted to kneel for anyone who stops to tell you to. Don’t. You are worth waiting for a proper, negotiated D/s dynamic. 

The reality is that being a submissive does not mean you are everyone’s submissive just because they happen to call themselves a Dominant. Anyone who tells you that you must call them “Sir” the day you meet them (or any time before you have a negotiated dynamic!) is trying to take advantage of you. I have lost track of the number of people I have blocked who thought I owed them submission simply because I’m a sub and they’re a Dom. It literally does not work like that. 

Being submissive means enforcing your boundaries – and doing so does not make you a “fake” sub, regardless of what the predators will try to convince you of. It is normal and good to ask a lot of questions of a potential Dom (“vetting”). It is normal and good to submit in only the ways or scenarios you explicitly negotiated; a “total power exchange” is a less common form of BDSM and is not for people who are new to the scene. It is normal and good to have a safe word; any version of “real subs don’t get to say no” is abuse and should make you run faster than you ever have. 

And if you hear nothing else, hear this: It is normal and good to say “no.” There should never be a scenario in which you cannot say “no.” That is not to say there won’t be consequences for saying no: Refusing to do something you negotiated could possibly have as extreme of a consequence as the end of the relationship. But you still have to be able to refuse. Consent doesn’t go away simply because you negotiated something. And when you are negotiating, you do not have to say “yes” to everything the Dom suggests; it’s not negotiating if you can’t say “no” or amend their suggestions. 

Now get out there, vet like your life depends on it, and find your Helios!

*I will use male terminology for Doms and female terminology for subs in my posts simply because of my own personal preferences in D/s. I am not particularly interested in submitting to a Domme, though I have nothing but respect for all the wonderful Dommes out there. I also recognize there are many same-gender partners in D/s relationships. My Male/female language is not meant to be exclusive, but rather to reflect my particular preferences.

**Any reference to real groups on FetLife or any other site is accidental and should not be taken as an endorsement of the group.