Sex clubs. Dungeons. Play spaces. 

The average resident of your city has no clue that these venues lie scattered across the city, existing right under their noses. Yet week after week, kinky people of all flavors gather in groups by the handful for the hundreds to socialize, network, play, learn, and scene. 

I spent so long in the vanilla world that I completely forgot these places existed. Luckily, Sage mentioning the dungeons in our city unlocked all I had learned about not just dungeons but local kink scenes. Many kinky people are completely uninterested in in public play spaces, but I desperately wanted to connect to an in-person community. While Sage and I broke up before we actually made it to a dungeon together, I am eternally grateful to her for going to munches with me, helping me get vetted, and reminding me of things learned over a decade ago. 

What I didn’t know, though, far outweighed what I did. 

There are different kinds of kinky spaces

This seems obvious when you state it bluntly like that, but it somehow never clicked with me. I assumed that kinky space was kinky space. 

Nope.

Once I started actually going to events, though, I put it together pretty quickly. I have (so far!) identified four kinds of kinky spaces in my city: munches, sex clubs, dungeons, and mixed spaces. 

Munches aren’t so much a type of venue as a type of event. They’re worth mentioning here, though, because it’s so easy to have a misconception of what exactly a munch is. I had this image in my head of large groups of people in fetish wear standing or lounging around, drinking and judging new people for not being visibly kinky enough. 

That vision couldn’t be further from reality! Munches are social events, yes, but they are usually held in regular restaurants or bars where the attendees wear normal clothes. It looks no different from a book club or knitting circle (minus the books or yarn). Munches are meant to allow new people and established members of the community to meet each other. Frequently, groups or clubs will use munches as one part of their vetting process to help make sure new members are likely safe to admit. 

Socializing is the only bar to entry for munches, which make them an excellent place for new people to dip their toes into the kink community and start building friendships and connections. 

Sex clubs tend to be frequented more by swingers than by lifestyle BDSM practitioners, though it’s not uncommon to see some kinky things going on. Consent is still valued like at other venues, but the focus of the event tends to be hooking up and socializing instead of setting up scenes. A lot of people who regularly attend sex clubs are entirely uninterested in going to dungeons, but some kinky people go to sex clubs when they’re looking for casual sex. 

Dungeons (or BDSM clubs) are typically focused on kink activity over overt sex. In fact, many dungeons do not allow sex at all! Dungeons offer spaces with BDSM equipment like spanking benches or suspension points, educational classes, and social events. Additionally, dungeons have staff on hand at all times to keep an eye on scenes and make sure people are playing safely and respecting consent (they’re usually called dungeon monitors or DMs). Dungeons typically have stricter vetting processes than sex clubs. Even at dungeons that allow sex, the focus of the event tends to be everything except sex.

I don’t actually know if there is an official term for the next type of space I have discovered, but it is a mixed space. Mixed spaces are somewhere between sex clubs and dungeons. Such a venue may have people having casual sex in one room and other people deep into a scene in the next room. Both swingers and BDSM practitioners are likely to show up, and you’re just as likely to see someone in lingerie as a collar here.

Up in the Club

I went to my first dungeon event with Helios. After signing membership paperwork and paying my entry fee, the staff gave us a tour of the dungeon. They offered private rooms, social spaces with things like pool tables or movies, play rooms themed to different kinds of scenes, spaces dedicated to aftercare, practical spaces for things like washing linens or storage, and open areas for larger event displays. 

This particular dungeon is on the large side; by the time we finished the tour, I was rather overwhelmed. There were people everywhere doing quite interesting things – it was a lot to take in! Helios got to show for the first time that he was attuned to my wellbeing: He recognized that I was overwhelmed and took charge, taking me to a quiet area to calm down. 

Ultimately, I never came down enough to be comfortable actually using any of the themed spaces or nice equipment. Helios and I found a private room and didn’t do anything we couldn’t have done at home for free. You could say we wasted the time and money by going to the dungeon that night, but that’s not how I view it. I strongly suspect that I would have been too overwhelmed to fully utilize the dungeon the first time I went no matter when that first time happened to be or what special event the dungeon had going on. That night we got the “awkward first time” over with. 

That first night of awkwardness at the dungeon also helped ease my first visits to sex clubs and mixed spaces, too. 

How to Prepare for Your First Club

I feel like I navigated my first visit to all the kink spaces fairly well, though there are always things I wish I had known before hand. Here are some of the things that either served me well or would have helped.

• Push yourself to be outgoing. The more outgoing you are, the easier it will be for you to find your place at any of these types of venues. I am not particularly chatty, so it takes me a while to find how I fit in at a venue and who I want to engage with. 
• Take a (kinky) friend for safety and comfort. If you end up unable to play your first time, this guarantees you have someone to hang out with. If you do play, your friend can help keep an eye on things and make sure the scene doesn’t go south unexpectedly. 
• Dress for comfort over kinkiness/sexiness. Events usually do have dress codes that encourage fetish wear, but I have seen people at dungeons in everything from their birthday suits to jeans and a tshirt. If you are dressed comfortably, you will be more confident. And as we all know, confidence is sexy. 
• Eat something before you go and take water with you. Whether you play or not, you’re going to need hydration and energy. If you think you’re going to stay quite late, maybe drop a small snack in your bag, too.
• Bring a bag with key items, but don’t overpack. Some clubs will want to see ID at least the first time you attend, and many (most?) clubs only take cash for entry fees. You may want to add a light sweater, a ponytail holder, and condoms. 

Don’t Get Caught Off Guard

Even with the perfect bag and the right mindset, there are some things that caught me off guard. Here’s what I wish someone had told me:

• It might be boring. You’ll spend more time chatting or people-watching than doing anything wild.
• You may see far less than you expect. I imagined there would be scenes or orgies happening non-stop and involving almost everyone. In reality, there may be a steady stream of scenes going on, but only a small percentage of attendees will be actively playing at any given time. 
• No one cares if you don’t play. You’re not issued a punch card where you have to do so many activities in order to come back next week. Really, no one cares if you don’t play. In fact, some people come just to watch or soak up the vibes. You’ll see more people fully clothed than naked.
• You may feel out of place or awkward. That’s normal. I promise you’re not the only one in the room feeling that way.

Final Thoughts

Going to dungeons and sex clubs can be seriously fun, but remember: Going to them isn’t required for being kinky. Many people happily live their kinky lives with their partner(s) without ever setting foot in a play space. If you’re curious, though, I urge you to give it a try. Find a kinky and curious friend willing to explore with you and ease your way in. You’re allowed to go at whatever pace makes you feel safe, and you’re even allowed to decide it’s not for you and leave. What matters is that you find your place in the kink world in a way that feels right to you. 

As for me? I’ll be at one of my local clubs this weekend.