Welcome to the Party

The first time Helios played with a new partner after we started dating, I celebrated with him, then spent the rest of the day upset “for no reason.”

Polyamory is not for the faint of heart or the emotionally passive. It’s for those brave enough to face their dragons, even of those dragons wear the face of jealousy or fear. Polyamory requires you to look long and hard in the mirror, ask yourself hard questions, and put in the work to level up and be a good partner multiple times over. You’re going to experience jealousy; can you also learn to experience compersion? Can you open yourself to intimate vulnerability with multiple people while also safeguarding your partners’?

Dating in polyamory isn’t just about the logistics of who has the car when or the rules about whether you can do overnights: It’s about learning to be emotionally brave.

Character Creation: Choosing Your Class, Stats, and Rules

Emotional bravery doesn’t just happen, though. Learning to be vulnerable requires a certain level of safety, and clear boundaries do help create a sense of safety and security. So while rules aren’t all there is to poly dating, they most definitely play a part. I’ve talked about the rules of my relationships before, but I want to talk more about the big picture here. 

The rules you establish in your various relationships will all flow naturally from the type of ethical non-monogamy you decide to engage in. Relationships closer to “monogamish” may have rules about only seeing other people in the context of swinging or “wife swapping.” An open relationship may have rules about sex being okay but not developing romantic feelings. And a polyamorous relationship may have rules about dividing time between partners or how to settle conflicting time demands. 

Rules and boundaries in relationships should keep you safe, manage expectations, and help you flourish, not control your behavior. Regulus and I, for example, have a boundary around me and him being nesting partners; inherent in this is “and, therefore, neither of us may move into someone else’s dwelling.” This helps keep us emotionally safe by helping us and our partners manage expectations: If all parties know moving into someone’s house is off the table, then there is less likely to be hurt feelings and misunderstandings. No, I won’t move in with you; I live with Regulus. 

If relationship rules begin to feel like a burden rather than a protection, it may be time for introspection and renegotiation. Why does that specific rule chafe now? What changed from when it didn’t chafe? Is there a different version of the rule that would suit you and your partner(s) better? Think through the issues around the rule(s) and then talk to your partner(s); you all want what is best for each other, after all. 

Party Dynamics: Communication Checks and Emotional Buffs

People talk about the importance of communication so much even in monogamous relationships that it is almost cliché. Why do we keep talking so much about it, then? Because good communication really and truly forms the backbone of any healthy relationship. 

Regulus and I would still be monogamously miserable if we could not communicate with each other about our lived realities, needs, and desires. He and I would constantly hurt each other if we did not have rules that we negotiated. 

Helios and I would be constantly frustrated with each other over unmet expectations if we didn’t talk with each other about what we wanted the nature of our relationship to be, how we prioritize (and do not prioritize) each other, or how the other’s behavior affects our feelings. 

Astra and I would not be able to maintain a long distance relationship if we did not prioritize open and clear daily communication. We might constantly feel unvalued by the other if we did not negotiate standing time each week dedicated to spending time together.

It isn’t always easy to open these lines of communication. I have found it’s good to practice this type of communication when you have something positive to say: Even things as simple as “I’m excited to spend time with you tonight” can help build that communication muscle so that it’s easier when you inevitably have to say “I got jealous when you played with them.” 

You can’t just leave things unsaid and expect your partner(s) to read your mind. You have to use your words and tell them the good and the bad, the elating and the scary, the happy and the sad. The awkwardness of those initial conversations will fade and the stronger relationship left in its place will reward your vulnerability.

Leveling Up: Vulnerability as a Superpower 

Polyamory requires vulnerability in far more areas than just communication. Successful polyamory requires self-examination and confronting your insecurities. The unexamined life will land you in emotional distress in a hurry when things like the fear of being replaced or the sense of not being enough raises its ugly head. 

Ideally, we should do the work of building security and embracing vulnerability before entering a poly relationship. In the non-ideal world we actually live in, though, learning to be vulnerable often happens in real time with our relationships. Something happens in our relationship(s) that makes us aware of an insecurity that makes us want to close off from our partner(s). In those moments, we have to consciously choose whether to hold our partner at arms’ length or learn how to pull them in closer. 

Learning vulnerability by confronting insecurities is far easier said than done, though. While therapy is an excellent option for this type of self-improvement, it can be cost prohibitive for some folx. If you can’t go to therapy for whatever reason, here are some options to help in the process:

• Make use of your local library to get books, eBooks, or audiobooks to help you expand your vulnerability. 
• Keep a journal (on paper if you can) where you work through one issue at a time.
• Practice affirmations every day, even if it feels stupid.
• Spend five minutes meditating every day, paying attention to the emotions existing in your body.
• Talk to a trusted friend about the insecurities you’re working through.

Any one of those things can be helpful, but doing all of them at the same time can lead to surprising bouts of growth and breakthroughs. You may not notice a change day-to-day, but eventually you’ll take a deep breath, repeat the affirmation, “I am enough,” and realize that you actually believe it. 

Confronting your insecurities and meeting your own emotional needs gives you the power to be vulnerable with others. You can embrace them with an open heart because your own heart is healed. You can let them close because you know that you can heal even if they do hurt you. You can take risks because you know how to get up from failure.

I met Astra as my ho phase was coming to an end and I was looking for more serious relationships. I almost passed on them because they live four hours away and I already knew how hard long-distance relationships can be. After all, I struggled making it work with Sage and she lived “only” 45 minutes away. I got to practice vulnerability with Astra quickly into our relationship. 

Astra is a stunningly beautiful, handsome human. Cute. Adorable. Just wonderfully aesthetically pleasing. And me? I have been working on insecurities about my body my entire life. I have definitely made great strides in building security and confidence about my body! But I still had to actively choose to be vulnerable with Astra and allow them close. The result? They love my body and do not see any of the things I am insecure about. 

That particular insecurity isn’t unique to polyamorous relationships, but practicing is practice. Building vulnerability muscles in any area still helps when you must practice it in another, like jealousy. 

Random Encounters: Jealousy Rolls at Disadvantage

Jealousy is unavoidable in poly relationships. People tend to assume jealousy is always bad and that partners who experience it are inherently bad partners who should be avoided. However, jealousy is an emotion like any other and serves the same function: To provide information. 

Jealousy taken at face value leads to people doing absolutely crazy things. The jealous man who destroys her makeup or the jealous woman who keys his car responded to their jealousy by immediately acting out in revenge. That reaction to jealousy is where the emotion gets its bad rap. But healthy responses to jealousy can strengthen relationships.

I know that sounds crazy, but stick with me. 

Helios really, really likes going down on people. There is a reason he considers himself a pleasure Dom, and that is a huge part of it. We have always been up front with each other that we are still going to see other people both casually and seriously. Intellectually, I knew and understood that. 

Yet the first time he went down on someone other than me or his wife after we got together, I still got pretty jealous. 

I could have reacted to that jealousy in any number of ways, taking my feelings out on Helios. Instead, I responded with introspection: Why was I feeling jealous? What was the jealousy signaling to me? After spending some time in contemplation, I realized the jealousy was telling me I felt far more strongly for Helios than I had been ready to admit. 

As soon as I recognized that, the jealousy disappeared. 

Until he went on a first date with someone he has the potential to become pretty serious with, and then there the jealousy was again. Again, instead of reacting, I responded with introspection: What is the jealousy telling me? This time the jealousy was telling me that I was afraid Helios did not value me anymore. 

Realizing that let me shift from feeling to thinking, going over all the ways I knew that Helios did, in fact, value me. It took a little longer this time, but the jealousy faded. 

The result of both of those bouts of jealousy is that I came out the other side of them far more confident in our relationship. 

Loot Drops: Compersion as Critical Success

The opposite of jealousy is not the lack of jealousy, though you might be tempted to say so. The opposite of jealousy is rejoicing with your partner at their romantic “success”: The poly community has dubbed this experience “compersion.” 

Compersion looks at your partner’s dates and allows you to experience genuine joy because you know your partner is enjoying themself. You are so secure in yourself and your relationship that you cannot be shaken by the insecurities of jealousy. 

I have found it easiest to experience compersion around Astra and Helios’ partners who were around before me, like Helios’ wife or Astra’s joyfriend, but I am still learning and growing in this area when it comes to new partners. I can genuinely celebrate and be happy with Astra when their joyfriend stays the night, and I am honestly excited with and for Helios when he and his wife have date day. 

How can I be truly glad? Because I care for both of them deeply. I want them to be happy regardless of the source of the happiness. Since I do not have the monogamous idea that I should be Helios’ or Astra’s everything and they should be my everything, I can embrace the idea that each partner provides some of the needs. 

We quite easily understand the idea of rejoicing with those who rejoice when we discuss friendships. When your best friend finds love, you may have to deal with the frustration of your friend having less time for you, but you are ultimately thrilled that they are finding love and companionship. It only makes sense, then, to extend that same idea to your romantic partner(s). 

There is something special about giggling with Astra about their latest crush or encouraging Helios to find time to go on that second date. The feeling sits somewhere between joy and pride and it feels an awful lot like love. 

Final Boss: You vs. Your Own Expectations

I had this idea that being polyamorous had to mean a closed polycule living in the same house. Obviously, that idea was dispelled pretty quickly as my understanding expanded. I have had a lot of expectations that turned out to be far from reality (“just don’t be jealous!”), and I’m sure that I will have to confront my own expectations again and again. Sometimes I will realize my expectations were wildly unrealistic and will need to adjust myself; other times I will discover my expectations were perfectly valid and I need to practice vulnerability and communication with my partner(s). 

Either way? I’ll keep doing the work to care for my partners. I’ll show up for them day after day, choosing them for my adventure party. We’ll win some encounters and lose others, find fantastic loot, and even probably get lost a few times. But as long as we keep choosing each other, we’ll always be on a legendary quest worth playing.

Epilogue: Roll for Connection

Do you have the emotional bravery to embrace polyamory? Let me know in the comments.