Opening the Inbox

“Don’t you just love New York in the fall?”

In 1998 Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan starred in Nora Ephron’s You’ve Got Mail, showing America that the connections made online can form very real affections. The world has changed significantly in the 27 years since the film’s release: We’ve gone from email and instant messenger to dating apps and Snapchat. Joe Fox (Tom hanks) and Kathleen Kelly (Meg Ryan) were seen as odd for having an online romance instead of meeting someone in person, yet today it seems meeting someone in person has never been more difficult. People cycle through dating apps, hoping maybe this one will connect them with their perfect person. 

It’s no surprise, then, that the idea of meeting someone online and maintaining a long-distance (or even online-only) relationship would make its way into the kink community. Yet every time the topic of online dynamics comes up, it seems there is quite a bit of division about everything to do with it. There is no unified consensus about online dynamics, though I think this is an important topic in today’s world. Can an online BDSM relationship be real? 
 
Although I am in an in-person D/s dynamic now, I have had both successes and failures in exploring the online D/s scene. 

The Comfort of the Screen: “I wanted it to be you”

As someone who struggles with meeting and getting to know people organically in person, the internet has always felt like a godsend to me. From IRC chatrooms to MSN Messenger to interest forums and now to social media and dating apps, I have been building relationships (romantic and platonic) online for over 20 years. I can set aside the awkwardness I always feel in-person and get to know someone on my terms.

Just like Kathleen and Joe found comfort behind their screen names (Shopgirl and Ny152), many of us find it easier to open up when typing our truths into a glowing box. 

Not everyone has the same social issues as me, but connecting online meets other needs, too. Many, many people live far from large urban centers and cannot easily meet new people: When you’ve lived in a town under 10,000 people your whole life, you already know everyone in your county. Other people have life schedules that make attending social events difficult, and still others have physical or mental disabilities that leave them homebound. 
 
Connecting online is a valid and vital option for these people.
 
Why should that change simply because someone wants that relationship to be structured around authority exchange?

The Critics in the Coffee Shop: “But is it real?” 

Many people would agree that making D/s connections online is perfectly valid, but then balk at the idea of the relationship itself taking place online. “Get out from behind your keyboard,” advises many the well-intentioned advisor. Yet for similar reasons that meeting someone in person may not be viable for some people, continuing the relationship in an online-only environment may be the preferred format for some people. 

But is it real?

What makes an in-person relationship “real”? Communication, emotional connection, and time spent together. 

The biggest arguments against online dynamics being “real” are that it is a game, that it is dangerous, that it isn’t as deep or sincere as in-person, and that online D/s is just you doing things to yourself. Let’s take these one by one.

“Game of Pretend?”: The Roleplay Objection

Many, many people live in 24/7 authority transfer dynamics, and not a few of those live in what they deem consensual non-consent or free use dynamics. These groups of people are typically the ones who accuse online D/s of being a game roleplaying D/s and making light of their lifestyle. 

I would argue that all D/s relationships have an element of being a game. That is not to say that all D/s relationships are shallow or unserious. That is also not to say that D/s relationships cannot be an important part of people’s life and identity, even to a point where their whole lives are arranged around D/s. However, unless someone is literally and non-figuratively an enslaved person held illegally and against their will, then even the most dedicated and serious expression of Dominance and submission is a game.

How do I know this is a game? Because even the most hardcore D/s slave to have ever submitted can end the arrangement at any moment. There are negotiated rules, limits, and boundaries to every dynamic, even if they are wildly broad; if those rules, limits, or boundaries are violated by either part, they can end the relationship and walk away. 

That ability to end the arrangement makes it a game. A serious game with life-altering consequences that most lifestyle Dominants and submissive are uninterested in ending, but a game nonetheless. 

Online D/s, then, is no more of a game than any other expression of D/s. The game elements are simply more obvious online.

“Is It Dangerous?”: Vetting Your NY152

The caution that online D/s is dangerous holds more merit, but not inherently more than in any other type of online relationship. Genuinely helpful advisors caution that you cannot truly know people online, that you cannot trust their sincerity, and that you can be easily taken advantage of. Unfortunately, these concerns are not unfounded. I view these risks as signs to be cautious and wise, though, rather than to completely avoid a kind of relationship that can still be fulfilling. 

How can you navigate these risks with as much safety as possible?

Begin by using all the same internet safety principles you know from everywhere else. You have to vet this person to determine they’re a real person and that they’re not scamming you. You have to pay attention to what they say, looking for red flags that they may not be on the level; listen to your instincts here. 
All of those things are true of any type of online relationship, whether it is friendship, romantic, or D/s. 

While you should always take an adequate amount of time getting to know someone before officially entering a dynamic with them, this is doubly important in an online dynamic. This time getting to know them needs to include not just text-based communication, but (non-sexual) audio and video calls, too. These audio and video calls help make sure that they are the person they claim to be (since anyone can upload fake photos to a profile somewhere). Additionally, these calls help you determine if they are willing to make time for you in their life; if they will not make time for calls to get to know you, how can you trust they can make time for you in a D/s dynamic? 
 

Unfortunately, the final concern is the one hardest to mitigate. The sad reality is that it is far too easy for someone to take the photos and videos you provide them and upload them to a porn site, and bad actors can and do screen record video calls for the same purpose. There is simply no way to both provide someone with intimate photos or videos and also prevent something like that from happening. The only protections that can exist for this (such as they are) is trusting in the Dominant’s character, which is why you should never provide intimate photos or videos unless and until you can trust in their character. Otherwise you’re rolling the dice and hoping for the best, which eventually will backfire.

Some people will look at these dangers and conclude the risk isn’t worth it. And that is completely okay! This risk assessment is something each person must do on their own. 

“Is It Deep and Sincere?”: The Intimacy of the Written Word

Detractors of online D/s frequently bring up the concern that the relationship is not as deep or sincere as an in-person dynamic. There is a kernel of truth to this concern: There is something unique about the connection created by physical touch. In that regard, yes, online relationships will always lack that specific aspect that an in-person relationship can provide. 

But remember, the question wasn’t whether online dynamics and in-person ones are the same; the question was whether online dynamics are real. 

Can online dynamics offer genuine depth and sincerity? The answer to this still has to be an emphatic “yes.” An online dynamic can foster a deep, personal, emotionally intimate relationship just as readily as it can foster a shallow, impersonal, emotionally shallow one. 

You get out of an online dynamic what both of you put in. If both the Dominant and submissive approach the dynamic with the desire to both see it work and put in the effort to make it work, then yes, you can have a real dynamic. 

Just like in person.

Can you find yourself in a situation where you are being far more sincere in your approach to the relationship than your partner? Absolutely. Just like in person. 

Can you realize that you have more emotional attachment to the dynamic and your partner than they have to you? Certainly! Just like in person. 

These situations may, indeed, be easier to find yourself in online, but they are by no means unique to online dynamics. Being wise about who you agree to be in a dynamic with in the first place goes a long way toward mitigating this problem, though, as does constantly being on the lookout for red flags. 

“Authority at a Distance”: Submission Is Not Proximity

Finally, people claim that an online D/s dynamic is just you doing things to yourself, that the Dominant cannot actually enforce rules or anything like that. This, however, makes the faulty assumption that D/s is about the Dominant doing things to the submissive. A dominance and submission relationship is not about what a person does: That is topping or bottoming. Instead, a D/s relationship is about where authority lies: The submissive gives the Dominant authority over the negotiated areas of the submissive’s life. 

Yes, frequently that authority involves the authority to decide to do certain things to the submissive, but that action is the consequence of the Dominant having authority. 

In an in-person dynamic, the Dom may use their authority to decide to spank their sub, for example. In an online dynamic, the Dom may use their authority to tell the submissive to spank themselves. In both situations, the Dom is using their authority and the sub is submitting to that authority. 

Both of those are equally a real expression of dominance and submission. 

People have every right to prefer a dynamic where authority is expressed how it is in-person. But that does not make online D/s “not real.” It just makes it not right for them. 

Not the Unibomber: My Story with Siren

I personally have had one successful online dynamic, one that was short-lived, and a handful that didn’t make it out of vetting. Siren was my entirely online Dom until Helios and I officially entered our dynamic. My relationships with Helios and Siren are wildly different, but they are both very real. 

Siren had rules for me, and punished me when I broke them (intentionally or unintentionally). My hand may have delivered the punishment, but it was under his authority. The pleasure I felt at doing a good job meeting his standards was real. The affection I felt when he comforted me through a breakup was real. 

Siren and I built something real behind our screens, just as Kathleen and Joe built something real behind anonymous email handles. 

Conclusion: “You’ve Got Submission”

Online D/s is not for everyone. It carries unique challenges and risks, but for many, including myself, it has offered connection, growth, and joy. 

Joe and Kathleen found something real in their inboxes. So did I.

Submission is real when the choice to submit is real, whether whispered across a pillow or typed across a screen.