Six months into my relationship with Helios, I learned something important: Submission doesn’t always look the way you think it will.* Our relationship started with a focus on the vanilla side and all the “normal” dating things with the D/s aspect strictly bedroom-only. Over time, however, the D/s aspect has experienced a slow creep into other aspects of our relationship. It’s been an evolution, every step the natural outflowing from the previous. While both of us remain uninterested in micromanaging everything about my daily life, Helios has absolute authority over everything sex-adjacent in our relationship. We have even found ourselves naturally settling into the roles of him leading and making decisions about some of the more vanilla aspects of our relationship, though it does not happen in a domineering way. I never feel small; I feel chosen.

Through this evolution, my understanding of submission itself has also grown. While I did my best to educate myself before jumping into BDSM (and during!), I am not immune to common misconceptions people have about D/s dynamics. I didn’t even realize I was carrying the ideas that submission means doing things you don’t want to do and it’s all kink/sex all the time until the bubble burst.

Submission absolutely can mean doing things outside of your preferred activities because the Person with the authority told you to. Of course submission can mean trusting that He will not allow His orders to cause you harm, even if you would never choose to do that particular thing on your own. In fact, some Dominants get off on pushing their subs to their very limits. 

But when the Dominant and sub’s desires are in alignment, then submitting to His authority means getting to do exactly what you wanted to do in the first place. When it feels like you’re getting everything you want, it’s easy to start questioning yourself: Am I submitting or are we just kinky? Shouldn’t He be making me do things I don’t want to do?

At the same time, when you are in those periods of excitement, it feels perfectly reasonable to look at all the kink and sex and parties and adventure and think submission is a roller coaster that only goes up.†  

But what goes up must come down. Just like any other relationship, submission can’t be all highs. And it’s in those lower, quieter moments that the heart of the dynamic really shows itself. 

Recently Helios went through a rough period while he dealt with some personal issues. He was in a low place, worried, stressed, emotionally tired, and struggling to process everything. He reached a point where I could tell that he needed me, needed something only I could give him. He needed my submission. 

I arrived at his house that day and immediately sensed this was not our typical day. Instead of finding Helios prepping for us to jump directly into a scene as we usually do, I found him ensconced in the couch watching TV. I joined him, and we cuddled for a while, enjoying the comfort and closeness that comes from physical contact. 

Far from disappointed, I was happy to spend time with him and support him however he needed. Submission sometimes means having excited sex scenes, but it can also mean snuggling. 

When he decided he wanted more and told me to go to the room (thus invoking the rules), I still recognized something different about the day. I instinctively knew this wasn’t an impact play kind of day even before he told me: This was a day for him taking, not a day for him giving. 

And take he did. 

As I have mentioned before, Helios’ great joy is in burying his face between my thighs. He feasts with a passion and enjoyment mere mortals cannot hope to aspire to. Some people eat pussy in a quid pro quo way, hoping their partner will return the favor; others do so in a functional way to increase lubrication; still others genuinely enjoy going down. 

Helios? Helios delights in it.

If a kink is something someone enjoys sexually far beyond what is socially normal, then eating pussy is Helios’ kink. Not only that, but he is good – no,  he is as his namesake: a god. To be eaten by him is to know what a the canvas felt like under Van Gogh’s brush, what the Globe Theatre stage felt when Shakespeare’s plays were performed, what the piano felt under Beethoven’s fingers. 

Submitting to his desire is also to know he will feast until he is satisfied. His appetite extends far beyond bringing me to a single orgasm. In fact, he has been known to continue his attentions until I am whimpering, certain I cannot possibly orgasm again, my legs completely worn out and useless. Yet there he is, somehow pulling yet another orgasm from my exhausted body. 

Yes, Helios is topping in this arrangement. Yes, I am submitting to him during these scenes. They still somehow manage to have the energy of him giving, though: Giving his skill to me to give me attention, care, bliss, and satisfaction. I don’t know how to explain how one can dominate while simultaneously giving, but he has figured out how.

But that day? That day was different.

As he settled between my legs, I recognized the energy he brought: He was hurting and desperately needed comfort. So I offered him my support in the only way I could: I submitted to his taking, holding nothing back from him. With every gasp and moan, I poured into him, restoring him. Somehow, my submission flowed into him, stitching the gashes of his brokenness that day.

On that day I was acutely aware of choosing to submit to Helios, not because he wanted me to do something I was opposed to, though. Afterall, I love the way he feasts upon me. I actively chose to submit to him, thinking “take, eat: this is my body, which is for you.”

No, the higher awareness of my submission came from the new/deeper understanding of how my submission helps and supports him. In that moment, my submission wasn’t just satisfying his dominance or his love of eating pussy; my submission was supporting him as a person. 

This was the first time I truly felt that Dominance and submission is not just a fun game we play: It’s how we do our relationship.

Life cannot be a roller coaster that only goes up;† it has to come down again eventually. Who is there to snuggle on the couch or patch you up when it does?

*Every dynamic is different. I’m dating my Dominant and our D/s is sex-positive, so some distinctions get blurred for us.

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†References

Green, John. 2012. The Fault in Our Stars. New York: Dutton Books.